Take a good look above at Mickey. He’s the guy in the middle, leaning forward, hands clenched in fists, fully engaged, all-in from head to toe in support of Rocky. This is me, your coach. This is how I feel inside when I’m helping you become the best of who you are.

This is what is happening to Rocky in the ring:

It’s rather dramatic, but this is what a lot of executives are going through when they come to me for coaching. If I’ve never met them before, very often they were referred to me, and they have a big event coming up, and we start 1:1 coaching. Some enroll in the 2-Day Speaking Intensive, and they are arriving with some internal wounds, an Inner Critic that’s relentlessly on their case, ultimately keeping them from being the best of who they are. Each person is unique, and it’s my job to meet them where they are and help them move forward.

I don’t take it for granted that someone will actually allow me to coach them and allow themselves to change. Sometimes, it might be the wrong time, or I may be the wrong coach. When someone is really shut down, it’s often a temporary state. They are reacting to something. Even if I’ve carefully laid out all of their strengths and the one thing we are going to practice, their inner critic may be oppressive and keep them stuck.

Feedback Brain Science

Why is feedback so hard to receive? We want that message to go to the neocortex. It’s responsible for learning and thinking about the future.
When we feel threatened, the amygdala takes over and prevents information from getting to the neocortex, and information instead goes to the limbic system, which is the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses.
Instead of learning, we go into fight or flight mode and feel the need to protect ourselves. This is called an amygdala hijack.

It doesn’t matter that they didn’t actually receive negative feedback from me. Their inner critic is giving them feedback, and that voice might be louder. I don’t give any feedback until the client has received the Criteria, observed their own film with the Criteria as a lens, and then I ask them, “What did you observe?” I don’t ask, what did you like? I ask about observation. From there, I ask, what are your strengths? Sometimes they can see them, sometimes they can’t, and then I share their strengths from my observation. This coaching builds on your strengths. We don’t build on your habit, unless it’s a good one to keep.

Your habits aren’t always the best of you. This coaching is building on your strengths as a communicator. When I first meet a client, I see their strengths first and I know the one area of focus that would shift them into greatness. For some, letting go of their habit is so scary that they can’t let go. Sometimes they need time to sleep on it. Get a brain break. Marinate.

When they are ready, it’s exciting. I’m all in, and if they need help in an area that is not my expertise, then I have a stable of coaches I can refer them to.

In my life, I’ve been enormously blessed with mentors and coaches. My 8th-grade basketball coach, Miss G., saw potential in me in basketball and in life. I met her at a time when my family was going through incredible uncertainty. My father had lost his bookstore, we lost our home, my sister’s kidneys failed, our family dog died, and our rental home was robbed. This all happened in five months. I’ve never forgotten Miss G’s kindness.

I had an English teacher in 9th Grade, Miss Fredrickson. She encouraged me to write. She loved my short stories as much as I loved writing them. On Wednesdays, she would put an image up on the board, and we would spend the whole class writing a story that the image prompted in our minds.

When I moved to California and finished college, I met my next and longest-lasting mentor, Florrie. Florrie was the Jewish mother I never had, but desperately needed. I had always wanted to be an interior designer, but got a degree in communications instead. After college, needing work, I met Florrie, and immediately, we were connected. She was 70 at the time, an antique dealer traveling the world. I apprenticed to her and several San Francisco designers with whom she worked. These amazing women took me under their wing and I learned everything about furniture restoration, room design and decor, travel, food, everything that means so much to me now. I was an actor at the time, and this gave me the freedom to audition or take classes at night.

For the last 30 years, I’ve had one foot in the arts world and one foot in business. Performing onstage in scripted and unscripted plays, running a successful theatrical improv company in LA for 20 years, performing worldwide, shooting over 100 commercials and voiceovers, coaching actors and non-actors, olympic athletes and executives in every field on their mindset under pressure, technical voice and speech training, mental agility skills (improv) and adding into that, brain-based speaking due to my last menor, Danny Slomoff. I was his improv teacher, he liked what I offered as a coach, and here we are.

At whatever stage you are in, find someone who is in your corner. They can give you expert direction and clear ways to get there. Last month, I was coaching the 2-day and participants wanted to give each other feedback too soon. Feedback isn’t helpful until you have the shared language of the Criteria, which is why we do it on Day 2. You don’t just want feedback. If the critique is vague, what do you do with it? “You were great!” “You seem so authentic.” What does this mean, actually? Specific, clear, actionable feedback is what you want to receive, so when you practice (you speak all day long, so ideally you are practicing every day), you are practicing correctly.

At the end of coaching, people are starting to speak clearly so the listener can process, and they start adding their personality back in. Now, they have control and start to feel a bit of flow; the next step is practicing correctly consistently.

Step one starts with learning and correcting your “speaking” swing. Our habit of talking, while familiar to us, may be quite different from the neurological speaking system we were born to use. For most clients, the system you were born with is perfect, and your habit is not. Once corrected, you can truly say practice leads to excellence, and consistent excellence is what the greats have.

If I’m trying to help a client stop fragmenting, rambling or composing while talking, they need to Hit the Period, Zip & Watch. In the Zip & Watch is the gap - the moment where you can thoughtfully choose how you start your next sentence. You have more time when you talk! You have time or freedom to connect with your listener. They are the most important person in the room.

“When you know what you are doing, you can do what you want.”

Keep what makes you great, add the skills that make you the best of who you are, connecting your words to your listener’s mind, and bringing them along with you while you talk.

The Art of Practicing

Our Brains Talk