Anxiety & The Hate Watch
It doesn’t happen often (thank goodness), but sometimes I start a workshop and think, “That person hates me.”
I have enough tools not to believe what I make up, but there is a human moment where someone is being hostile, and as a fellow human, “Wow,” my brain says, “They hate you.” Maybe it’s my voice or what I just said, the fact that I’m a woman, maybe I remind them of someone. I want to say, “It’s too early to hate me. First get to know me, then hate me.”
Another option is that I’ve tapped into their anxiety. An amygdala hijack has taken place, and they don’t know this is how anxiety shows up in them. They believe their thoughts - that this workshop, this group, this person is ________- therefore I hate this experience.
People can feel nervous or anxious before a workshop. When we feel threatened (real or imagined), the amygdala takes over and prevents information from getting to the neocortex. Information instead goes to the limbic system, which is the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses.
Instead of learning, we go into fight or flight mode and feel the need to protect ourselves. This is called an amygdala hijack.
It was January 2020, and I was in Florida with my husband for a comedic sketch we were performing in a keynote. Early morning, I went to the hotel gym. I was an indecisive mess and didn’t get a good workout in. I hated the gym, with no windows (no surprise), and hated the treadmill. I went for a walk outside, and when I went back to the room to get ready, I had odd humidity hair.
The hair I saw in the mirror.
Then I hated my outfit choice. I always bring a second option when I travel, and both were terrible choices. I looked bad, I got the wrong clothes. Everything was terribly wrong. “Are you nervous?” “No!” I retorted as I bit my poor husband’s head off. I secretly wondered… am I? Is this how anxiety shows up in me? 26 Years into being an actor, performing on stage and in front of the camera, I was trained to warm up my breath, body, and voice. We were prepping our nervous systems for an adrenaline rush - not wanting to have the adrenaline get caught in tight limbs or a tight throat, but what about a tight mind?
Actual hair from screenshot of our performance.
Some people's minds go blank when they are stressed, but apparently, I turn into an old crank. It was startling because my thoughts felt so true! I did have weird hair, I did wish I had brought a different top with a better color for my face, etc. So the evidence in the mirror seemed to be true, but my mood was way out of proportion to the situation.
When I am stressed, my mind obsesses over things I cannot control. I had pajamas, workout clothes, and two outfits for the keynote—the end. No shops were open to buy different options. Let it go. This is not the problem. What I’m telling myself in my head is the problem.
This past year, I wondered if the people of Reddit who love “hate watches” were aware of their anxiety. There was a revival of a show this past year that was torn to shreds on Reddit. I hadn’t been on Reddit before, and after this experience, I will not go on Reddit again. Wow. This is all I can say in response to the negative comments about this poor show. Enjoying being negative isn't something I want to be part of. I feel so much anxiety sometimes with world events and my own busy schedule that I don’t want anything I’m watching or listening to pile onto that. I’m not on social media. I’ve built 333 one happy client at a time, and that feels good, grounded, and strong.
I want to share a tool I use called Stop, Challenge, and Choose. This tool is perfect for those moments in life where you feel you’ve gone from positive or neutral to anxious, angry, annoyed, defensive, etc.
Stop. Take a deep breath. Name what you are feeling. Then ask yourself, “What am I telling myself that’s making me feel this way?”
Challenge. Once you realize that what you are making up in your head is making you feel a certain way, you can challenge your thinking. We make a mistake when we believe our own thoughts. I have been on the receiving end of people making stuff about me and then telling me later. Rarely has their assumption about my action matched what I was thinking. We can’t know what’s in someone else’s mind.
Choose. Now that you’ve challenged your thinking, you can choose your response. You might realize you can let something go. You might recognize you needed food or rest. You might schedule a conversation to connect with someone rather than taking something personally.
This tool has a lot more nuance, and that is something we can explore in a 1:1 session as we work on the inner world of a leader.
2025 is almost over, and what a ride it has been. I hope you can take a breath, challenge your thinking, and choose a response that leads you to more connection with others.
Jo
www.333-communications.com